I first, have to humbly apologize for my absence. Writing is an easy outlet, yet, when push comes to shove, the most vulnerable for me. The past few months have been intangible to dissect or narrate to an audience, in fact have been futile and downright sorrowful. I haven't been able to open my mouth in fear of spreading negativity and more confusion to this already chaotic world.
So where to I begin? With the turmoil? All the questioning? The death of my relationship or my grandmother?
Nah, I think I'll just start here. Today. And maybe when the time is right, all that back information, the good and the bad, will weave in and you'll start to understand me, and my life better.
The best decision I have made in the last few months was to accept and sign a new lease 2 minutes walking distance from my shop. Right now, I sit on the front balcony sunbathing, while I watch people in coats pass underneath me. Today turned into one of those beautiful days, clear skies, no clouds for miles. I can hear the undercurrent of cars a few conversations... and my dog, Darla, keeps rearranging her position, figuring out if she wants to stay outside with me or go inside where it's cool.
There's movement here. I never have to see stagnancy. What a beautiful practice "all is fluid".
I feel blessed. I have my own space, for the most part. My roommate, who is amazing, is hardly here, and when she is she goes in and out cleanly and quietly. I welcome her companionship. We have the same taste too and she never questions my choices on food or toilet paper. The little things in life can sometimes feel so magnetized when they are not aligned.
Isn't that what we are always trying to find? Alignment. To breathe into it, sink down a little further into it, nestle-in.
I took Leigh's noon, Hour of Power class, and during it came to me that "everything will align if you just let it". The stream from the river will always find its way to the ocean. And why don't I let it? As if I have some control that is above human. Have I lost all sense of the animal inside me?
I think, maybe, sometimes I have. I take matters into my own hands and force things. Like right now, I should put a shirt on or go inside but my vanity overwhelms my intuition and I sit and get a sunburn. I say to myself, "but it feels so good & I don't care" and later I will pay. I know it.
Same with decisions I have made in the past. " I know he is not right for me, but the sex is good.. so why not stay?" "It feels so good to have someone hold me... but I hate what he says when he opens his mouth and says mean things to me." -Or- "I should really just go to bed, I'm satisfied." and then eat another bar of chocolate before bed.
Obviously, these are silly examples, some more than others. But all have gone past my instinct and I have taken matters into my own hands thinking I have won. But I really haven't. I have become master composer of my life instead of listening. Its like thinking you are doing a yoga pose correctly, you sink into it, and its horrific, painful, and awkward. That's how I let myself and my life be for the past few months. Instead of finding my correct alignment sinking into that, breathing, feeling the difficulty and breathing through it, finding strength and balance.
To all you non yogis, I apologize, I understand I must sound like a crazy person. But thats how it's been. My mom kept saying, " Ashley, you are trying to fit a square peg in a round hole."
And today, it overwhelmed me that all I have to do is become happy in me and EVERYTHING else will align within my peace and balance... even the loss of my grandmother.
I was really hard on myself yesterday. I cried and cried. And then I found peace but the crying wanted to continue. So I cried a little more. She hasn't been gone more than a month. This Saturday at her funeral, I will sing to her. In her memory, where we used to sing together in the Church choir. I hope that I can find her there, with me.
I've been finding it so hard to connect to her. I can't hear her voice anymore in my head. So I listen in movies to remind myself how beautiful she sounds.
Until I feel like writing again. Peace Love and Namaste.