In all fairness- It has taken me 1 month and 16 days to feel a case of the "winter" blues.
The days are getting longer. The snow keeps coming...
To me, though, every day is starting to feel like groundhog day; same conversations. same manipulations, a side drama here- another one over there.. for entertainment purposes I humor myself by listening.. trying to escape the monotony at all costs. But it's draining and it's an old pattern- one that I've tried to let go of...
As a remedy- I usually- every winter- leave my "episodes" of "brainwash TV" just waiting for these moments. Revenge. Nashville. Modern Family. Girls... But alas- I have used up all that fuel. And its time for me to just be.. Which of course is- well... interesting.
This winter I have frowned on the possibility of Match.com - I won't go near it. I don't want masculine company just to drain out the fear of being alone. No- I won't do that to myself again. I'd rather have my dignity than to be with someone I met on a dating website- free of real life circumstances. Free from attracting them to more than just my face. No this year I want to let someone get to know me. Really allow someone to get to know the "the real Ashley" the not so bubbly one... And not just someone I guess- but someone I really want to get to know.
I fear in fact- this year- is the year of awakening. Accepting that whoever I am deep down under all the shields and masks I've used to protect myself over the years. Deep down- I am this nurturing, loving, warrior princess, goddess- just beckoning to release. I feel the crust of my shell breaking her free into the world. And the more I let go- the more I believe she will let go onto the world and attract boundless possibilities -to inspire others, create love, and awaken to all the possible dreams that could be given.
You see- even in the darkness of this winter- My body keeps trudging through the snow- because it feels good to move. It feels good to explore the patterns and places of wondrous things.
And today- I might be whinny- But in all hopes- I hope that you got something little out of this.
What can you believe in?
Is it yourself? Are you watching the patterns that hold you back from being closest to your highest self. Because that IS what I'VE TAKEN ON- for me.
I'm THROUGH with the BS. I'm through with the unauthentic misery. Show me YOU and I'll show you ME. Wild and free. Reckless abandon. Warrior Woman.
Love and light <3