Hello world out there!
Hello old friend- WE have made it here again. Resolutions, prophecies, triumphs and disasters. ITs nice to know these things still exist, otherwise, what are we living for?
How boring would it be if life was set up in some pre arranged package. Where we got to tell everyone what our future held. Instead life is set up so you get to discuss with friends, lovers, partners, acquaintances - how your experience has melded you into the person you are today.
Last year on New Years Eve, I had just started my healing journey after being sideswiped by the termination of a relationship. I remember dragging myself out of the house to hang out with some of the women I'd met in yoga. I was a bomb in a body. All I wanted to do was cry, or yell.. or jump some guys bones. I wanted everything to please me. I wanted security. While the whole time I just wanted my EX to come flying in on his magic carpet and sweep me back to his lonely one bedroom apartment- where I didn't have to face myself.
Luckily for me, he never came, never called, never showed up in my life ( and still hasn't) because I needed the time to figure out "Who Ashley is" and "how can Ashley survive in this world". I thought all of this meant I needed to do this alone. Seeing as my ex surmised all parts of my being (partner, bestfriend, lover) - I had brainwashed myself into believing that my happiness could never come from anything else but him.
What a delusion I WAS IN! I look back and I think how insane was I to think that I could never be happy with out him. When in fact- I don't even think that I was ever REALLY happy with him. I didn't even know what MADE ME HAPPY.
For years and years and years my New Years Wish used to be " I want to fall in love". Well Ashley this year your wish has come true. As I speak of myself in the third person- I say. This year. Ashley I have fallen in love with you.
Trying to have a relationship with yourself is the hardest relationship I have ever tried to have. But it's a nonnegotiable relationship. I can't just get rid of myself. It doesn't work that way. I am who I am. I am sensitive. Creative. Loving. I have so much energy I could burst into a million baby bubbles at any given time. I am a dreamer. Completely boy crazy. Transformative. Talented. I have fear- but just enough to keep me safe.
and the way I know this is real is because of all the beautiful people I have attracted into my life. There is no other way for me to gauge the love that I have other than to look at the relationships that I have cultivated and healed in the last year. From healing my relationship with my father- to all of the beautiful friends that I know call my brothers and sisters. I am so unbelievably blessed.
A year ago when I was dragging myself out for a New Years Eve I never thought it would have been possible to feel so elated. So blessed.
And so it is my wish to you this New Year's Eve that if you haven't already- Fall in love with yourself this year. Find out what makes you smile. SO in turn you can heal and cultivate all of the beautiful relationships in your life. Its worth it.
Live the life you love :) <3